thanks LeonidS for the hints.
i got ports 1935 and 5080 configured. i also found port 9999 to be opened.

@yotis: port 9999 is configured in:
/conf/red5-common.xml
/conf/war/red5-common.xml
/conf/jboss/red5-common.xml

the thing with the root access to my site wont be that easy :-/

i netstated for port 10000 and 10080, both not in listen mode. and actually i configured my rms to be on 1935 and 5080 in red5.properties.

i completely disabled the firewall and i tcpdumped the traffic. what see more i got is a successful tcp handshake from the chat client to rms port 1935. i can even telnet to port 1935 and the connection successfully establishes. but if i try to connect with ray chat client, i got a bunch of "dieing" tcp sessions from the client to rms port 1935:

[root@wall RMS_3.5.0000]# netstat -an |grep 1935

tcp 0 0 0.0.0.0:1935 0.0.0.0:* LISTEN

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 84.73.209.157:49541 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 84.73.209.157:49533 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 84.73.209.157:49543 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 rms.datecity.ch:49545 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 rms.datecity.ch:49521 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 rms.datecity.ch:49523 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 rms.datecity.ch:49544 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84.73.33.211:1935 rms.datecity.ch:49530 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 rms.datecity.ch:49534 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 rms.datecity.ch:49551 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 rms.datecity.ch:49535 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 rms.datecity.ch:49536 TIME_WAIT

tcp 0 0 84-73-33-211.dclie:1935 rms.datecity.ch:49547 TIME_WAIT

it looks to me like the client tries a few times to establish a tcp connection to the server, get no good response from the server (in application layer) and tries to open an new connection. that's how it looks like to me. and as long as ray chat says "connecting" i keep get the time_wait status...of course always from different client source ports.

cheers